Aging into Invisibility: You May Get Ghosted, but You Don’t Have to Become a Ghost

One of the biggest complaints of the boomer generation is the feeling of invisibility. I’m going to be honest. I think we all go through it. Here’s the catch. It’s a mental state that usually starts with retirement. It’s internal, in our heads. Whether we get stuck in the invisible state or emerge as vibrant, living senior adults is up to us.

So, where does this feeling of invisibility come from? How does it start playing games in our heads? The simple answer and the most common one, is retirement… that day we leave the life many of us spent twenty, thirty, forty, or fifty years complaining about.

Time was when retirement was a big day marked by a company party and the proverbial gold watch. In today’s world, I think we just pack up the small cardboard box and dissolve from the memories of our co-workers as we walk out the door for the last time. That’s the day invisibility starts.

The early days of retirement for the most part are filled with the plans we had for our futures. The alarm clock no longer demands we get up and get dressed. Lunch is no longer scheduled from 12:15 to 1:15. When 5:00 rolls around, we don’t shut down, lock the office door, head to the parking lot, and drive home. We are already there! Sounds great in the planning stages. The reality, not so much.

Getting Ghosted

It happens faster than we think. First is the realization that you won’t be dashing off to lunch with a co-worker, so you can talk about other co-workers or the manager. You no longer have that co-worker sitting at the next desk. You don’t even have a desk! Of course, they promised to call you for lunch. “We’ll get together,” they said.

They may call to tell you the latest office gossip, but soon enough they realize you don’t know the new hires and what goes on in the office means very little to you now that you aren’t dealing with it. Your co-workers call less and you are left to fill the hours with family… maybe a husband or wife who starts to get on your nerves now that you are under the same roof twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, or your children who are so happy you are retired now that you can look after your grandchildren, and so it goes. I’m not saying that time spent with family isn’t valuable and enjoyable. It is. But, enough of anything is enough, even if it’s chocolate candy. We maybe start feeling a little taken for granted. It’s the evolution of retirement.

Loss of Identity

When someone asks, “Who are you?” or says “Tell me about yourself,” what do you say? For years you said I am an office manager. Now you have no office and no one to manage. Or, maybe you were a doctor, but now you have no patients. Perhaps, you were an attorney, but now there are no clients. Perhaps, you worked in a factory, but now you have no factory.

So, who are you? You are invisible… at least in your mind. You have lost your identity… at least in your mind. You are “the former” or the “ex-.”

If I’m totally honest, that is the hardest part to overcome. It’s not just the loss of a title. It’s the loss of the conversation that was wrapped up in the profession or workplace. Seriously, my retirement friends don’t care one iota about gravity waves or the Higgs Boson. And, if I’m totally honest, I don’t give a rat’s @$$ about teaching school or being the perfect organizer. I have friends that can handle that. (Thank goodness for those friends! We’ll get to them a little later.)

Making the Choice to Stay Relevant

Before we decide that life isn’t over once we retire, many of us wallow in loss and irrelevance like it’s the endgame. This is especially true if you live alone. It’s one thing to be alone. It’s another thing to be lonely. Sometimes we find ourselves being both, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s the hard part, the really hard part. To stay relevant takes effort. It doesn’t just wander up and knock on the door, waiting for you to invite it in. YOU have to make the effort. Finding relevance in our senior years is like playing a game of hide and seek. You have to seek it. You have to stay curious. You have to take the initiative. And, sometimes we have false starts. Sometimes we think we have found what has been hiding from us only to decide we didn’t find what we were looking for. That’s not the time to give up and become a ghost. That’s the time to dig the heels in and keep looking.

Finding Your Tribe

Every person you meet won’t qualify as a tribe member. Remember that. It takes time and effort to find the right people who will fit comfortably into your new identity as a retiree. So, where do we start?

I’m not going to tell you that Margaret and I became best friends over night. But, we had a good foundation. She had her work. I had a disabled husband to look after, but we managed lunch occasionally. Slowly our friendship grew. Years later, Margaret retired and my husband passed away. We began getting together more often. And so, it began. A retirement friend who made me feel relevant. We went to lunch and stayed longer than her job would have allowed. Our friendship grew.

I use Margaret as an example, because how we met is important. We weren’t introduced by a mutual friend. In fact, I can’t count how many times I have been in a library and never once thought about asking the librarian if she would want to go to lunch. And, I’m pretty sure every library patron that entered the library didn’t become Margaret’s lunch buddy. The point is, we never know where we will discover a friend.

With a group of friends, all within the Medicare age range, I found my identity after retirement. Not a single one of them is anyone I would have ever encountered on my job. Sometimes letting go of the past makes room for new friends and new adventures and a good life in retirement.

I’m sure there are a lot of people who have a wonderful group of friends who still feel invisible when they go out into the world, to lunch, to a play, or to a concert. But, having good friends helps keep us relevant.

How Not to Become a Ghost

Here’s the real kicker… how not to become invisible. Meet new friends who are younger than you. Yep! YOUNGER!

Just as an aside, let me say that if you are one who likes to throw shade on young people, shame on you. The young people (and at our ages, that’s about 98% of the population) are our future. They keep us from becoming invisible. Don’t shy away from them. Enjoy them. Cultivate relationships with them. Learn from them. And, what may surprise you, many of them want to learn from you. It’s a win-win.

Needless to say, Nancy was horrified that I invited a stranger to have dinner with us, but let’s face it, one can pretty much assume (at least I think so) that a young lad watching an opera isn’t a serial killer. Either way, he didn’t join us for dinner before the next opera. But, at intermission he asked if he could sit with us for the remainder of the performance

So, Nathaniel is one example of how not to become a ghost in today’s society. There are other young people we see regularly, often at their invitation. Open your mind and your heart to young people. They will keep you relevant and make sure you never feel invisible.

Here’s what I believe are the keys to staying in the now. Get out, even if you go alone. Take a book to a restaurant, if you are eating alone, if you need a crutch. Don’t wait for someone to come get you.

Keep a sense of humor. No one wants to be around a complainer. No one! Not even old people. Laugh and smile. That’s always an invitation for someone to speak to you. And no you don’t have to be the one to initiate the conversation. Remember, you are visible. People see you. Make them want to be around you and they will come to you.

One last little note that happened just yesterday. I had experienced a horrible day. If it could go wrong, it did. I went to a late lunch by myself at a favorite restaurant. While I was there, I got a text from Kate. She asked how the inspection went on a house I am looking at. I told her when I got to the house the new HVAC had been improperly installed and water was leaking through the ceiling onto the hardwood floors.

“I’m on my way,” she texted. “I’ll be there in 15 minutes.” That’s a friend.

A little later when I got home, Nancy texted and I explained what had happened at the house I wanted to buy. “Meet me at the Reading Room in an hour. I haven’t had dinner.” (Her text.)

I suppose I could have been upset about the HVAC episode and the inspector standing there asking me if I was really interested in that house as the water dripped all around us. But at 77, if a faulty HVAC and a dripping ceiling are my worst worries, I’m doing just fine.

Nancy and I were sitting at a little table chatting about many of our house catastrophes, and laughing at how we had survived each of them, when a young man with earbuds and a laptop sat down at the next table. In hindsight, I’m not sure he was listening to anything.

Anyway, he left the table to go to the bar to place his order. I was two people behind him in line. I ordered. When the barkeep passed the drinks over to me I handed her my credit card.

“Your order has been paid,” she said.

Look! At 77, I’m well past the age when someone buys me drinks. “Who would do that?” I asked.

The lady smiled. “The man sitting at the table next to you.”

Being invisible is not inevitable. Old co-workers may ghost you, but you don’t have to become a ghost.